By Jennifer R. Farmer
The self-help industry is massive. It’s filled with tips for growing as a person and mastering your life. It offers content that inspires a belief that if you read one more book, attend one more workshop, or develop one more practice, you’ll improve your life. While years ago there were scores of books one could consume to improve one’s life, today’s self-help landscape offers books, YouTube videos, online classes and/or in person events.
If you spend any length of time perusing self-help resources, you are bound to hear about boundaries. I’ve heard so many self-help authors wax poetic about the importance of good, clear boundaries. And it is true that boundaries are essential for a healthy and happy life. Boundaries create guard rails to help us feel safe. They allow us to manage our lives in ways that are predictable and comforting. I get that they are important. At the same time, I wish there was more conversation around the pain that comes with setting boundaries. It’s not always the case that the minute we set a boundary, the people in our lives rush to oblige. In many situations, we must set a boundary, remind people of the boundary, explain consequences and sometimes, enforce consequences. One of the most painful consequences is the end of a relationship. That’s the piece that doesn’t get enough attention.
While boundaries are important, there are people in our lives – from coworkers to friends and family – who benefit from our lack of boundaries. Sometimes we can think people like us when truly what they like is our inability to set and enforce boundaries. I’ll never forget the moment when I realized that being a yes person, was also saying yes to mistreatment and abuse. I realized that not setting boundaries was causing me to be pulled in 1,000 ways; directions that weren’t of my choosing.
The truth is boundaries come with joy yes, but also consequences for the person who sets them. There are some people who would rather storm out of your life than abide by your boundaries. This isn’t to say that you should abide bad behavior. You shouldn’t. And you should be prepared that sometimes setting boundaries is painful.
I’ve often heard people say that if you tell someone your boundary and they won’t accept it, ‘forget them, you don’t need them anyway.’ But what if that person is a close friend. What if that person is someone with whom you formed a bond. Letting go of that relationship is more than a notion, and it can involve tears.
As we continue to underscore the beauty of boundaries, we also need to highlight the pain that can come with setting boundaries. We need to have a conversation around the courage that is required to set and enforce boundaries. We need to openly share that setting boundaries may be challenging, but living without them is far more difficult. Even if we need to release people who refuse or are incapable of honoring our boundaries, we will eventually heal. As long as we hold onto us, we will thrive. So go ahead and set that boundary. Then tell yourself that you’re strong enough to survive whatever happens next.