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© 2025 Copyright, Jennifer R. Farmer

The PR Whisperer

Author, Crisis Communications Expert, Strategic Communications Advisor

Tag: self help

Knowledge Alone Will Not Heal You

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You Must Do The Work

Many of us have heard the saying “if you know better you do better.” It makes sense and it is certainly a comforting line. But I’m not sure the statement is entirely true. Many of us know that we should get more physical exercise, but that doesn’t mean that we do. Many of us know that there are certain conversations in which we should not participate, or people with whom we should not engage, but that doesn’t mean that we honor what we know. Many of us know that we should say “no” to certain relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we do so.

Knowledge provides insight, but it takes healing to move from a place of knowing to heart and behavior change. We can gain knowledge from research, but research doesn’t equate to behavior change. We can also gain knowledge through therapy, but that doesn’t mean that awareness will always lead to change. A person can acquire knowledge, but knowledge doesn’t guarantee better behavior. We must move from knowing to acting on what we know. This is likely why James said in the bible, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

Additionally, I believe there is a spiritual and natural component to the struggles we face. There are pathologies and patterns that chase all of us. It takes intentional work, prayer and deliverance to break those patterns and pathologies.

To be clear, therapy is critically important as it provides a safe place to process trauma, address mental health challenges and learn strategies for navigating life. Additionally, as my friend Quanita Roberson has often said, “we were not meant to heal alone.” What is more, the Bible is clear that “in the multitude of counsel, there is safety,” Proverbs 11:14-15.

I believe true transformation comes from God. Sure, there is work that God requires us to do. And once we have insight into a matter, perhaps gleaned through therapy, we can better direct our prayers. But at the end of the day, we must turn to God for assistance in acting on what we know.

This explains why one can become fatigued with the presentation of information. I recall binge watching videos from a physician and health guru. The doctor had clearly done their research on chronic diseases. As I spent that warm Sunday afternoon consuming the content while meal prepping, I found myself discouraged. There was so much information that I felt overwhelmed. I checked out after several hours, not sure whether I would retain much of what I heard. Upon hearing the information, I needed to pray for transformation and then take daily action to adopt the recommendations.

In sum, knowing alone will not save you. You can know – possibly through therapy, reflection or divine revelation– that you have had a tendency of people please. You can know – possibly through therapy, reflection or divine revelation – why you seek to please others. But it takes practice and prayer to choose something different.

And there is power in doing the work – consistently. Many of us are creatures of habit. We do what is familiar and what is familiar is what we have experienced or what we have always done. When I wanted to develop a practice of exercising, I had to practice. I had to develop a pattern of doing what I set an intention to do. When I wanted to be more loving to myself, I had to develop a pattern of speaking lovingly to myself. I had to create a new practice. But at each step along the way, I prayed and asked for godly assistance as I set about to create new, healthier habits and patterns.

 

What Are You Treasuring?

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Have you ever heard something that completely blew your mind? It left you on the edge of your seat with more questions than answers. If you’ve experienced this, what did you do after you received the information? If you’re like most people, you may have rushed to share what you heard with a close friend or relative. But rushing to share or discuss heavy matters is not always the best course of action.

When I think about how to process such information, I’m drawn to the example Mary set in the Bible. On more occasions than one, Mary received information that left her puzzled. When she learned that she would bear a child conceived of the Holy Ghost, she asked God’s angel, “How can this be?” She didn’t rush to tell friends or family nor did she broadcast what she had heard to people in the community in which she lived. She went to the source. Then later in the Bible, we learn that she treasured weighty things in her heart. When she eventually shared the news about her pregnancy, she shared it with a close relative. She was careful, and she was discerning.

Let me offer a few examples. After Jesus’ birth, shepherds came to see Jesus and then publicized his birth to the surrounding community. We learn in Luke 2:19 that “Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Further in Luke 2, we learn that when Jesus was 12 years old, he stayed in Jerusalem, even as his parents continued home. When they realized Jesus was not with them, they returned to Jerusalem and found him in the temple sitting among doctors and asking them questions. No doubt exasperated, Mary later asked Jesus why he stayed behind, and no doubt scared her, and he said that he had to tend to his Father’s, meaning God’s, business. We learn in Luke 2:51 that Mary “treasured these things in her heart.”

Once again, we see Mary confronted with information that was mind-bending, and she responded by treasuring the information in her heart. Rather than going to someone else, she reflects on it and held it to herself, likely discussing it with God. In so doing, Mary protected the information and created space for God to speak with her.

What would happen if you and I followed this example? I don’t know about you, but I have made the mistake of sharing too much too soon or sharing with the wrong person. In sharing information, I may have been seeking validation or trying to make a connection. But the ultimate person whom we need validation from and connection with is God. So, why aren’t we going to him in the first place?

When we share too much or share with people who do not have the capacity to process what we are saying, we can rouse jealousy or allow our plans to be sabotaged. I think of Joseph who was loved by his father and who kept telling his brothers – who already didn’t like him – about the dreams he was having. When he shared the dreams, he invited further scorn and hatred from his brothers.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that we can never speak with others about what we have heard. But I do believe we must be careful with when we share, what we share and with whom we share. That is the central message and the critical point I want you to take away from this post. While many know this conceptually, reminders are always helpful.

Now, sometimes we overshare as a means of deepening relationships, and other times we overshare based on a lack of discipline. But sharing too much too soon or with the wrong person can have disastrous consequences. We have an opportunity each day to grow in discernment and discipline. This will not only protect us, but it will demonstrate to God that we are trustworthy and capable of handling weighty matters. It will also keep us safe from people who do not have our best interests at heart.

I hope Mary’s example inspires you to be more judicious in what you share as well as how you hold and process critical information. I hope you also know that if God gives you a promise, you do not have to share it in search of validation. Your validation comes from God, and your promotion does too.

 

You Can Reinvent Yourself

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One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about life is that we can reinvent ourselves. Based on evolving preferences and different life stages, we can determine how we show up, when we show up and in which activities we engage. We do not have to be wedded to practices and behaviors that no longer serve us.

Learning that lesson was life changing. Let me set the scene. I’d just given birth to my second child, a daughter, at 40 years old. I had an established career with significant demands. Prior to my daughter’s birth, my life was centered around work and being present for my son. But my son lived primarily with his father. During the time when he was not with me, I threw myself into work.  I’m not proud to say it, but work was my god. It created an escape from the pain of life.

When I had my daughter, I felt like I was being invited to evaluate everything – why I worked so much; what I was hiding from; what I wanted for my life, her life and my son’s; and how I wanted to live the second half of life. I went into an intense period of self-reflection and questioning. I became transparent with friends and sought advice on a host of pressing life questions.

But I was stuck. I felt I had to be the person I was prior to my daughter’s birth. I wondered how I would simultaneously be everything to everyone and meet my baby girl’s needs. I had many sleepless nights trying to determine how I would manage a demanding job and care for my daughter. Notice, “I” was not on the list. I was centering everyone and everything – but myself.

I spoke with my employer, and they tried to accommodate me by hiring a nanny to accompany me on work trips. While that was a blessing, I felt guilty for taking my daughter on the road so often. I worried she would get sick.

Understandably, travel with an infant created a headache, and the other demands of the job felt impossible to manage. I felt as if I was coming apart at the seams. Then something miraculous happened. I confided in a friend that I was struggling. She effortlessly told me that “I did not have to continue playing a role that no longer served me. I didn’t have to be the Jennifer I was prior to my daughter’s birth. I could reinvent myself based on my current life stage.”

It seems so simple, but my friend’s words were a healing balm. Hearing that I could be a version of myself that suited my current season in life was freeing. Those words also presented me an invitation to think about who I wanted to be and what that looked like.

I decided that I wanted to be fully present for my daughter and for myself. I wanted to transition from living for everyone else, to living for myself which would in turn help me to become a better mom. In the end, I quit my job and started a consultancy business.

Two years after my daughter’s birth, I went into business for myself. Four years later, I continue to enjoy the flexibility that comes with self-employment. I continue to enjoy creating a schedule that works for me and my family. And I continue to find ways to center myself in the midst of everything happening around me.

If you are struggling with where you are right now, perhaps consider whether you are trying to be a version of yourself that no longer fits. You do not have to be the same version of yourself that you were decades prior. You can change. You can reinvent yourself. You can always start again.

My daughter’s birth was my invitation to dream and act. This article is your invitation to do the same. You can create the life you want – the life that serves you and your family. Now that you know this, it’s time to start dreaming and thinking about what you want and need.

 

Jennifer R. Farmer is the author of “First and Only: A Black Woman’s Guide to Thriving at Work and in Life.”

Tell Me the Hard Things

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One of my favorite passages from the bible is the scripture found in Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” I interpret this scripture to mean that it is a blessing when friends correct out us of love and concern. When friends – people who have been proven to have our best interest at heart – offer feedback, that feedback may not always be pleasant in the moment, but it can benefit us over the long term.

Isn’t that what we all need – even if we don’t always want it?

One of the things that helps us improve is feedback. Feedback can be painful to receive, in part because it can push up against our ego. And let’s face it – who wants to hear that we are not doing well in a certain area? But without feedback, it becomes harder to grow. We often are unaware of our blind spots, but those can be illuminated when friends or others dare to be honest.

It can be easy to limit feedback to work or professional settings. However, it is critical that we have people in our personal lives who love us enough to tell us the truth. This could include illuminating problematic behaviors, associations or thinking. It could include telling us how our words or actions harm others. It could include highlighting areas that need our attention.

As part of the human experience, many of us will do things that are not helpful in the immediate or long term. Or we may turn to vices that will compromise our well-being. The people close to us can often see a train wreck miles before it derails. For instance, there have been numerous times when family and friends have pulled me aside and shared insights that have helped me improve, albeit painful in the moment. My mother was brutally honest; as she noticed behaviors or patterns, she would point them out. I often felt she was hard on me, and now, I wonder where I’d be had she not loved me enough to be honest. I’ve had this experience with friends as well.

I recall thinking that my job as a parent was to shield my children from hard things. On one occasion, I was speaking with a friend and going through mental gymnastics around how I would keep my child from learning about a painful event. A friend noticed my rumination on the matter and stopped me in my tracks. She shared that my job as a parent was to teach my children how to navigate pain, process it and move on. That lesson was so profound. Life will be hard, and we will all experience unpleasant things; but the key is learning how to confront pain without running from it. It was only after speaking with my friend that I learned that when parents try to keep children from feeling pain, they can raise adults who don’t know what to do when they experience turbulence or difficult times.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend indeed. I could recount so many other examples where friends have told me hard things that ultimately helped me. It was only after sitting with the feedback did it take root and make sense. I remember another friend coming over to visit, and she spoke candidly with me about finances – how she manages her money, what she’s doing to shore herself up financially and asked my plan. I was embarrassed because it wasn’t something I spent a lot of time considering. But the conversation prompted me to think carefully about the life I wanted and the steps I’d need to take to achieve it.

What Does This Mean for You? Consider these things:

1. If you’re examining your life and you’re wondering why you are not making progress in certain areas, think about the feedback and insights that you’ve received from friends. And if you aren’t receiving input from friends and the people around you, ask someone you trust whether you are approachable. Could it be that the people in your life are afraid to be honest, possibly because they fear your reaction? If that’s the case think about the changes you can make that will allow the people you trust to tell you the truth.

2. I will caution you, however, that not all feedback is created equal. When you receive feedback, think about what resonates for you. What part of the feedback rings true? Is there any part of the feedback that you’ve heard before? If there are themes that are emerging time and time again – and from different people – there is likely truth in the feedback. But if the feedback feels off, don’t immediately accept it as truth. It could be that people are sharing feedback out of their own wounded-ness. The key with feedback however is to think about whether there is an element of truth? And then take only that part, discarding the rest.

The bottom line is feedback is a gift and we should receive it as such. It doesn’t always feel good in the moment, but we need people in our life who will tell us the hard things.

 

 

What Makes a Good Spokesperson

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By Jennifer R. Farmer

All your life, you’ll need to communicate. But if you’re a business leader or executive, your success depends – in part – on how well you communicate. Certainly, if you are tasked with being the voice or face of an organization or campaign, you’ll want to communicate effectively. You’ll want to become a good spokesperson, and doing so will boost your and your organization’s effectiveness.

The question becomes then, “What makes a good spokesperson?” Good spokespeople do at least these five actions (if you prefer to watch or listen to this content, visit my YouTube page):

  • Tell a story. Years ago, I frequently visited a church in Indianapolis called Eastern Starr. I loved the service. The worship was always moving and powerful. But the sermons were masterful. The pastor – Jeffrey Johnson Sr. – was relatable and engaging. It was easy to follow his sermons and understand the points he was making. But I was most impressed with his ability to end on a powerful note. He gave multiple examples throughout the sermon but always ended with a story. He would always say, “I see, you still don’t understand,” and then lead into a story that further drove the sermon home. It was great, and I found myself looking forward to his sermons for that reason. You do not need to be Johnson, but you need to find a compelling and authentic way to tell a story while you’re communicating. A good – indeed great – spokesperson knows how to tell a relevant story in a way that leaves listeners or readers on the edge of their seats.
  • Give the audience what it wants. Good spokespeople know their audience. They understand exactly whom they are talking to and what their audience thinks and feels. They know their audience’s pain points. They know what their audience is searching for and what their audience needs, and they do their best to deliver. There is nothing like communicating with someone who knows you or takes the time to know you.
  • Meet a need. Everyone has a need. Your audience will listen to the extent that your content meets its need. Your job is to determine pain points and speak to those pain points, being careful to outline a solution.
  • Eliminate distractions so their message is received. Good spokespeople scan for distractions and work hard to remove distractions so their audience can hear them. Distractions could be speaking too fast or too slow. Distractions could be technology issues such as a faulty microphone or an unclear image. Distractions could also be wearing something that could take the focus off of their words. Before you speak, think about whether there is anything that would distract from your message, and if there is, work to eliminate the distractions.
  • Good spokespeople practice. They practice delivering a message while being careful to evaluate what went well and what they could improve. Good spokespeople understand that communicating well doesn’t happen overnight nor that past success is inoculation from failure. Therefore, good spokespeople practice. They look for opportunities to sharpen their communication skills, understanding that the more they do so, the better they become.

Being able to communicate well is a life skill. It is worth the investment. But please know that like anything else, being a great communicator takes time. Invest the time, and you’ll never regret doing so.

For more information, see my YouTube page.

 

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