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One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about life is that we can reinvent ourselves. Based on evolving preferences and different life stages, we can determine how we show up, when we show up and in which activities we engage. We do not have to be wedded to practices and behaviors that no longer serve us.
Learning that lesson was life changing. Let me set the scene. I’d just given birth to my second child, a daughter, at 40 years old. I had an established career with significant demands. Prior to my daughter’s birth, my life was centered around work and being present for my son. But my son lived primarily with his father. During the time when he was not with me, I threw myself into work. I’m not proud to say it, but work was my god. It created an escape from the pain of life.
When I had my daughter, I felt like I was being invited to evaluate everything – why I worked so much; what I was hiding from; what I wanted for my life, her life and my son’s; and how I wanted to live the second half of life. I went into an intense period of self-reflection and questioning. I became transparent with friends and sought advice on a host of pressing life questions.
But I was stuck. I felt I had to be the person I was prior to my daughter’s birth. I wondered how I would simultaneously be everything to everyone and meet my baby girl’s needs. I had many sleepless nights trying to determine how I would manage a demanding job and care for my daughter. Notice, “I” was not on the list. I was centering everyone and everything – but myself.
I spoke with my employer, and they tried to accommodate me by hiring a nanny to accompany me on work trips. While that was a blessing, I felt guilty for taking my daughter on the road so often. I worried she would get sick.
Understandably, travel with an infant created a headache, and the other demands of the job felt impossible to manage. I felt as if I was coming apart at the seams. Then something miraculous happened. I confided in a friend that I was struggling. She effortlessly told me that “I did not have to continue playing a role that no longer served me. I didn’t have to be the Jennifer I was prior to my daughter’s birth. I could reinvent myself based on my current life stage.”
It seems so simple, but my friend’s words were a healing balm. Hearing that I could be a version of myself that suited my current season in life was freeing. Those words also presented me an invitation to think about who I wanted to be and what that looked like.
I decided that I wanted to be fully present for my daughter and for myself. I wanted to transition from living for everyone else, to living for myself which would in turn help me to become a better mom. In the end, I quit my job and started a consultancy business.
Two years after my daughter’s birth, I went into business for myself. Four years later, I continue to enjoy the flexibility that comes with self-employment. I continue to enjoy creating a schedule that works for me and my family. And I continue to find ways to center myself in the midst of everything happening around me.
If you are struggling with where you are right now, perhaps consider whether you are trying to be a version of yourself that no longer fits. You do not have to be the same version of yourself that you were decades prior. You can change. You can reinvent yourself. You can always start again.
My daughter’s birth was my invitation to dream and act. This article is your invitation to do the same. You can create the life you want – the life that serves you and your family. Now that you know this, it’s time to start dreaming and thinking about what you want and need.
Jennifer R. Farmer is the author of “First and Only: A Black Woman’s Guide to Thriving at Work and in Life.”