Single mother of 5 cries over sons she says are disrespectful.
I saw a single mother of 5 crying on a video noting that her sons were disrespectful and rude. She said they wouldn’t clean, walk the dog or do chores. Between sobs, she said that she wanted to give up, indicating she didn’t know how to raise them to be loving, respectful men. My heart broke for this woman.
Many parents can recount being at their whit’s end. Many will tell you that they too have had moments where they felt like throwing in the towel. Certainly, as emotional as this aggrieved mother was, there are people who will take that video apart and use it as fodder to rail against single mothers. But here’s the thing, there is an African proverb that notes that “it takes a whole village to raise a child.” Parents weren’t meant to do it all. Sure, we carry the lion share of responsibility, but it takes a broad, healthy community, to raise children.
To be honest, I am completely annoyed by the denigration of single parents. I want to share a few basic facts on parenting, single parenting and raising children.
- Raising children is hard. Whether you are married or single, raising children in this society is difficult. Certainly, when there are two parents in the household, families have the benefit of two incomes, partners who each parent can bounce things off. Ideally that’s the case – although there are married mothers who will say they feel like single moms. The point is, when you are responsible for another life, you are going to have ups and downs.
- There are a variety of ways a person can come to single parenthood. When we meet people, we do not immediately know the contours of their lives (if they are widowed, divorced, adoptive or foster parents, or survivors of domestic violence or sex trafficking). And even if an adult choses to have a child on their own, it doesn’t mean they deserves ridicule, judgment or scorn. What’s ironic to me is the people who are anti-abortion but hateful towards single parents. How does that work? You can’t be pro-life but then hateful towards women and their children once they’re in the world.
- Being a single mother doesn’t make a person less than. Although there weren’t many single mothers in the bible, God loves us all regardless of our life circumstance. Think of Hagar who had a child with Abraham at the insistence of Abraham’s wife, Sarah. God loved Hagar and he loved her child. The bible says that the angel of the Lord saw Hagar and heard her son crying and provided a way for them. It is a mistake to think you are diminished in God’s eyes because you parent alone.
- Single parent doesn’t always mean the other parent is absent. Single parent means unmarried. It doesn’t mean always mean parenting without the support and engagement of the other parent. In situations where a single parent does not have the support of the other parent, the parent who stayed is the parent who is critiqued. This shouldn’t be; the focus should be on how we get all children what they need to thrive, regardless of their parents marital status.
- Single parents must resist the stigma associated with raising children while uncoupled. The monumental task for single parents is to resist that shame and stigma. It is possible to live a life of peace, joy, and physical and emotional safety. The challenge for people who are so obsessed with the family makeup of others, is to question why they are preoccupied with other people. If you find yourself really troubled by single mothers, sit with why that is; intense dislike and hatred is less about external people and more about a person’s own triggers and wounds.
- Finally, in the same way that we develop strategies for work, it is help to think about strategies for our lives and household. It is possible to live with peace. It is possible to have joy. It is possible to achieve our goals and help our children achieve their respective mission. There will be seasons of difficulty but they will not last.
Scriptures That Comfort Me
“But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, ‘Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.’” Genesis 21:17
“Notwithstanding, the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, that by me the preaching might be fully known, and that all the Gentiles might hear. And I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion.” 2 Timothy 4:17
“He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds,” Psalm 147:3
“So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.” Genesis 50:1