One of my favorite passages from the bible is the scripture found in Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” I interpret this scripture to mean that it is a blessing when friends correct out us of love and concern. When friends – people who have been proven to have our best interest at heart – offer feedback, that feedback may not always be pleasant in the moment, but it can benefit us over the long term.
Isn’t that what we all need – even if we don’t always want it?
One of the things that helps us improve is feedback. Feedback can be painful to receive, in part because it can push up against our ego. And let’s face it – who wants to hear that we are not doing well in a certain area? But without feedback, it becomes harder to grow. We often are unaware of our blind spots, but those can be illuminated when friends or others dare to be honest.
It can be easy to limit feedback to work or professional settings. However, it is critical that we have people in our personal lives who love us enough to tell us the truth. This could include illuminating problematic behaviors, associations or thinking. It could include telling us how our words or actions harm others. It could include highlighting areas that need our attention.
As part of the human experience, many of us will do things that are not helpful in the immediate or long term. Or we may turn to vices that will compromise our well-being. The people close to us can often see a train wreck miles before it derails. For instance, there have been numerous times when family and friends have pulled me aside and shared insights that have helped me improve, albeit painful in the moment. My mother was brutally honest; as she noticed behaviors or patterns, she would point them out. I often felt she was hard on me, and now, I wonder where I’d be had she not loved me enough to be honest. I’ve had this experience with friends as well.
I recall thinking that my job as a parent was to shield my children from hard things. On one occasion, I was speaking with a friend and going through mental gymnastics around how I would keep my child from learning about a painful event. A friend noticed my rumination on the matter and stopped me in my tracks. She shared that my job as a parent was to teach my children how to navigate pain, process it and move on. That lesson was so profound. Life will be hard, and we will all experience unpleasant things; but the key is learning how to confront pain without running from it. It was only after speaking with my friend that I learned that when parents try to keep children from feeling pain, they can raise adults who don’t know what to do when they experience turbulence or difficult times.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend indeed. I could recount so many other examples where friends have told me hard things that ultimately helped me. It was only after sitting with the feedback did it take root and make sense. I remember another friend coming over to visit, and she spoke candidly with me about finances – how she manages her money, what she’s doing to shore herself up financially and asked my plan. I was embarrassed because it wasn’t something I spent a lot of time considering. But the conversation prompted me to think carefully about the life I wanted and the steps I’d need to take to achieve it.
What Does This Mean for You? Consider these things:
1. If you’re examining your life and you’re wondering why you are not making progress in certain areas, think about the feedback and insights that you’ve received from friends. And if you aren’t receiving input from friends and the people around you, ask someone you trust whether you are approachable. Could it be that the people in your life are afraid to be honest, possibly because they fear your reaction? If that’s the case think about the changes you can make that will allow the people you trust to tell you the truth.
2. I will caution you, however, that not all feedback is created equal. When you receive feedback, think about what resonates for you. What part of the feedback rings true? Is there any part of the feedback that you’ve heard before? If there are themes that are emerging time and time again – and from different people – there is likely truth in the feedback. But if the feedback feels off, don’t immediately accept it as truth. It could be that people are sharing feedback out of their own wounded-ness. The key with feedback however is to think about whether there is an element of truth? And then take only that part, discarding the rest.
The bottom line is feedback is a gift and we should receive it as such. It doesn’t always feel good in the moment, but we need people in our life who will tell us the hard things.